Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
