so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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