I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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