omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
