my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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