im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
