The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm really busy with my period
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