my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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