I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
