just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
