May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I stole a fireplace last night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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