I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize