I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
