Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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