how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
