..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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