Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We're too hungover to prance.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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