That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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