good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
