this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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