filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
