how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
