she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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