Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
