Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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