my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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