Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
