you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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