based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
