peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
