"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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