she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
foreskin is a definite game changer
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
