Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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