My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
