he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
