Please, let me fuck your mom
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
