watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
