we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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