It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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