new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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