I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
