ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Floor bacon is actually really good
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
