i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
