I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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