What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
