I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize