bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
