I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
FUCK WHALES
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
