I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I cockslap morals
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
pray to the hookup gods
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
