fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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