Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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