I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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