You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
