My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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