We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
