seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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