I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
