I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
