I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
