True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
